Boys, Bulimia and Body Love by Samantha

Being in control and feeling powerful are two totally different things. I know as a younger woman I had them totally confused. My younger years are a mish mash of repressed memories, alcohol induced brain fog, drugs and boys (I say boys because I never dated men).I hid behind a cloak of people pleasing and looking cool, but on the inside I was unfulfilled and oh so self conscious.

From my early teens, I had developed bulimia, but my body image issues started long before that. I recall moving schools for being bullied so heavily at 10 years old, by girls that told me I was fat. So from then it stuck, even at my lightest, weight I thought I wasn't thin enough. No matter how much I controlled my eating, exercising, and tried to manipulate other people's thoughts about me... I couldn't control the feelings of unworthiness on the inside.

My self worth was non existent. I used alcohol and drugs as a means to 'let go' to feel happy and relaxed... to have fun.

My catalyst on this self love journey was thrown at me at 25 in the form of an abusive relationship. I'd attracted a mirror, someone so evil that it made me really question myself. I realised, I wasn't bad, I didn't deserve the abuse I had been inflicting on myself and I sure as hell wasn't about to let another person treat me worse than I had done.

Fast forward to now, the journey hasn't been easy, I've faced many other mirrors along the way. Learnt many other lessons, but with each, I grew stronger. My belief that I could handle anything was reaffirmed with every fracture. As I saw the light inside me start to shine, everything shifted. My external world changed, old habits died as they were no longer needed and now I can confidently say that I love myself f*cking hard (most days) and I honour myself. The lessons I had, the hardships I faced, I wouldn't change any of it.

I'm no longer ashamed about my past, I'm proud of the woman I have become because of it. I'm a deep feeler, I'm sensitive, I'm emotional, I'm spiritual and I can hold my own. I want to ignite a light in other women now, simply by embracing myself fully and shining my light. Self love is a journey well worth fighting for, so go get it girl!