The Love Story series are pieces written by real women, posted with some of their Boudoir photos. They are sharing with you their Body Love Journey and their experience with Leaf & Lace.
The following has been written by Alexandra Harbert
"I am a women, made of many things: experiences, growth, learning. But many of these things I have had to teach myself.
When you think about self-love, its quite a hard concept to come by. Like what is self-love? How do I know I am experiencing it? The consistency of telling myself so many things but never actually getting to the point of it.
At a young age of 17, I was not eating, I was consistently running on anxiety and adrenaline. I did not understand myself quite enough back then. To me the thought of self-love was laughable, a mere joke. I was so stressed out by many dramas, succeeding, people. I was such a people pleaser that it turned me basically manic! To be honest at this age self-harm was all I thought about, the constant hospital admissions to ED, I still have scars till this day. It was a dark time, but I made it to graduation with multiple people pushing me towards it.
Once I had left school, I struggled quite a dramatic change in body shape, I went from being quite skinny to being quite overweight. I used to get so upset about how I looked and how I just did not ‘fit in’ too societies status with how you were meant to look and feel. I tried so hard to figure out what to do about it, the motivation was lacking, I was still struggling with my mental capacity with everything, still trying to resolve it all. But at this point I was quite numb, I still understand my emotions, my wellbeing, my mental state so again the idea of self-care and love was just a quote from the bible for me. Something that I thought was not going to occur at all in my life.
… then a major epiphany happened.
As funny as it is to say, my major epiphany occurred after a large breakup drama with an ex of mine, I had learnt so many things, it was a big slap to the face! I learnt how bad I was using drugs and alcohol to understand what the meaning of loving and caring for me and me alone really meant. Now this actually happened – one night with the puffiest face from hours of crying and wallowing, I looked myself directly in the mirror, dead in the eyes, and said “enough is enough! What are you doing you know that you can do so much better than this!” the next day I signed myself to the gym and got myself started on the treadmill. I went from 130kg to 95kgs. However, the realisation just from exercising alone – the realisation of how so many changes to you and what you need to do, will make the world of a difference. It was not the fact that I was exercising, it was the fact that I was finally doing something for me and me alone.
I was finally independent, in love, in awe of myself. I did not realise how much happiness I truly deserved till those days. When I look back at myself, I think about how I wish I could just hug her and tell her how far she will go. However, if it were not for her, I would not be the person I am today; a girl who has come so far but still has such a long way to go. A lotus flower so close to reaching the surface to bloom from the mud below.
Self- love is not just an idea, it is a state of mind that takes so many situations and learning curves to accept that you are who you are, you cannot change anything until you have accepted that. Self-love is like a change of clothes one day you can feel your most powerful self (like a piece of lingerie) and other days you can feel quite low, down, upset (like a worn-out shirt). People have remind themselves that its going to be ok, and, its okay to not be okay. It is a lifetime journey. You are a women made of dreams, ambitions, a powerful creature. You are you."
